SA ARAW NI PAPA

Apatnapu't apat na taon na si Papa. Pangatlo sa apat na magkakapatid. Laki sa hirap. Lumaki na pinagmalupitan ng tadhana. Ipinagpalit sila ni lolo para sa isang babae at bumalik kung kailan matanda na.

Civil Engineering ang kurso niya noon sa FEU. Aktibista rin siya noong panahon ni Marcos. Doon sila nagkakilala ni Mama. Sa kasamaang palad, isang taon na lang ang kulang para makatapos sila ng pag-aaral, buntis na kasi ang Mama.

Mabisyo ang Papa. Naging adik noong kabataan. Lasenggero. Marami naring naging babae ang Papa kahit kasal na sila ni Mama. Isang babaero. Pero alam ko, mali ang pagkakakilala ng mga tao kay Papa at sa mga katulad niya. Bilang bata, hindi nawala sa akin ang pagtatanong kung nasaan si Papa. Naalala ko pa kung anong hitsura ni mama habang sinasabing wala si Papa, iniwan na kami dahil sa isang babae.

Sabi ng Mama, masama raw ang pakikipag-girlfriend 'pag may asawa na ang isang tao. Inabot na raw sa saksakan ang away nila kaya minabuti na ng Mama na makipag-hiwalay. Anupa't tatlo na ang anak niya at buhay binata pa rin siya.

Parating pinapaalala sa amin ng Mama na "kahit anong nagawa sa amin ni Papa at pagbali-baligtarin ko man ang mundo, siya pa rin ang tatay namin." Palibhasa'y mahal niya pa rin, kaya siguro ganoon na lamang ang pananaw niya. Uuwi kung kailan niya magustuhan, tapos aalis na ulit pag gusto na niya. O di kaya, 'pag nag-away sila ng babae niya tapos aalis na ulit 'pag ok na sila. Ganyan ang pattern ng buhay ng tatay ko.

Madalas kaming nakikisali sa mga kamag-anak ni Mama kapag may mga importanteng okasyon gaya ng Pasko. Doon ko unang narinig ang mga salitang 'Kabit', 'Pendeho' at 'Martir'. Pendeho raw si Papa at Martir naman si Mama. Dapat rin daw kay Mama, patayuan ng rebulto sa tabi ni Rizal at ipabaril sa Luneta. Kahit kasi anong payo nila, mahal pa rin niya si Papa.

Minsan lang kami makabalita ng tungkol sa kanya. Sa Marikina rin kasi siya napatira. Mabuti naman daw ang lagay niya ayon sa mga nagbabalita. May tirahan naman daw sila ng babae niya at husto sa lahat ng pangangailangan. May anak ang babae niya sa dating kinakasama. Sa sustento nito sila kumukuha ng pang araw-araw, habang nagmamaneho ng jeep bilang sideline.

Isang beses, umuwi ang Papa. Sira-sira ang suot na damit habang dala-dala ang damitan na amoy Ga'as. Nag-away pala sila ng babae niya dahil sa isa pang babae. Hinampas siya ng hinampas ng yantok, pinalayas at binuhusan ng ga'as ang mga damit.-- Iyon naman pala eh, bakit pa rin kaya siya nandon!? Na-imagine ko na lang tuloy ang Papa na parang kawawang bata na sinasaktan. Nang magkabati na sila, umalis na ulit ang Papa. Wala pang isang taon ay nakita ko na naman ang sarili kong wala nanamang tatay. Ikaw ba naman ang magkaroon ng ganong tatay, kailangang maging matatag, kailangang lumaban, kailangang magpatuloy ang buhay.

Kung tutuusin maraming na-miss ang Papa sa buhay naming magkakapatid, lalo na sa akin. Wala siya nang una akong  umawit sa entablado. Wala din siya nang grumadweyt ako ng elementarya at hayskul. Wala siya nang una akong nakipagsuntukan sa kaklase ko nang inasar ako nitong 'bading' sa harap ng natitipuhan ko, dahil torpe daw ako. Wala din siya para turuan akong magbasketbol tulad ng ginagawa ng mga kapitbahay ko sa kanilang anak. Wala rin siya para panoorin si Ate na naging finalist ng Little Miss Philippines at Rainbow Princess sa Eat Bulaga at SST, at ako naman para sabitan niya ng medalya para sa mga declamation contests at singing competitions na sinalihan ko. Wala siya nang dumating ako sa punto ng aking buhay, na siya ring kinakatakutan ng lahat ng katulad kong nagbibinata-- ang magpatuli. Wala rin siya para turuan akong maglanggas... Wala siya nang nahirang akong bise-presidente ng buong hayskul department. Wala rin siya nang kauna-unahang lumabas ang pangalan ko sa dyaryong pang-estudyante bilang isang editor. Ipinagtabi ko siya ng mga kopya para maipagmalaki sa kanyang pagbabalik. Wala siya nang una akong tumikim ng alak dahil binasted ako ng dinidigahan kong babae. Wala rin siya nang sumubok akong manigarilyo at itapon ito pagkatapos ng dalawang hithit pa lang. Wala siya, wala siya parati.

Napansin ko na lamang na mas naibubuhos naming magkakapatid ang aming oras sa labas ng bahay at sa eskwelahan. Ang dalawa kong kapatid ay may mga sarili nang kina-career at ako naman ay natutuon sa aking pagsusulat.

Dumating ang isa sa pinakamasayang araw ng buhay ko, ang pagdating ng Papa at sabihing ito na ang huli niyang uwi dahil hindi na siya babalik ulit sa babae niya. Makalipas ang ilang araw, nalaman namin na may sakit pala si Papa. Sabi ng doktor ay may TB at diabetes siya. Pagkaraan nang ilang buwan, na-diagnose na may enlargement of the heart din siya. Minsan naitanong sa sarili ko kung bakit gano'n ang buhay, kung kailan may sakit na siya tsaka lang siya nagbalik para makasama namin. Natanong ko rin sa sarili ko kung mahal ko ba siya. Nahihiyang ngiti, kamot sa ulo at isang "hindi ko alam" lang ang naisagot ko sa sarili ko.

Gaya ng dati, kung gaano kabilis na bumalik ang Papa ay ganun din kabilis na umaalis siya. Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang Papa habang nakahiga at may sakit, nahihirapang tumulo ang luha ko. Kung tutuusin, hindi ko kilala ang taong ito. Siya ang tatay ko. Kalahati ng pagkatao ko ay galing sa kanya. Pero kung tatanungin mo ako kung anong gusto niyang mangyari sa amin, kung anong klase siyang tao, kung mahilig rin ba siyang kumanta at sumayaw gaya ko, kung San Miguel o Purefoods ba ang team niya sa PBA-- isang malaking EWAN lang ang maisasagot ko sa iyo.

Noong bata pa ako, laging wala si Papa. Kapag nandito naman siya, mas malaking oras ang nagugol niya sa pagpasok sa trabaho niya at pakikipag-inuman sa mga kaibigan niya. Habang busy siya sa pagtatrabaho, ako naman ang abala sa mga reports, periodical examinations at iba pang gawain sa school. At habang kasama namin siya, kahit makipagkuwentuhan ay mahirap gawin dahil parang nakakaramdam ako ng hiya. Halos hindi ko kasi siya kilala bilang tatay ko.

Matagal nang panahon mula ng umalis ulit si Papa. Minsan nabalitaan kong naglayas ang kaibigan ko, pilit ko siyang pinauuwi. Minsan rin nang makainuman ko ang matalik kong kaibigan habang binubuhos niya sa akin ang sama ng loob niya sa tatay niya na pinagmalupitan siya dahil bagsak ang grado niya. Madalas akong nakakakita at buong kawilihan kong pinagmamasdan ang isang bata habang nakikipaglaro sa tatay niya. Nakakatuwang tignan dahil napakasaya nila.

Sa tingin ko lang, "buti pa sila lumaking may Tatay." Syempre hindi ko sinabi iyon sa kanila. Baka mamaya tanungin pa niya ako kung kanino ako kampi, kami pa ang mag-away. Minsan din sinamahan ko ang kababata ko nang pasikreto siyang nakipagkita sa babae ng tatay niya. Hindi naman sila nagtatanong kung bakit ako ganun. Wala naman silang alam kay Papa.

Maraming pagkakataon na nanghihinayang ako dahil hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong lumaking may tatay. Minsan, gusto kong sisihin ang buhay sa kapalaran ko. Na kung bakit sa dinami-dami ng tao, bakit ako pa ang lumaking walang tatay? Kadalasan rin sinisisi ko ang babae niya sa pag-agaw ng maraming taon sa buhay namin. Sayang ang labingwalong taon na iyon. Naturuan man lang niya sana akong maglakad. Naturuan man lang niya sana akong tawagin siyang 'Papa'. Naipagtanggol 'pag may umaaway. Naka-duet man lang sana kahit isang kanta lang, o di kaya'y naturuan niya akong mag-bike. (Diyes anyos na ko nang matuto mag-bike).

Isa sa mga klase ko sa Nursing ang nagpasulat sa amin ng kahit ano tungkol sa aming mga tatay, samahan pa ng larawan kung maaari. Bigla tuloy akong nalito. Hindi ko alam kung anong tungkol sa isang tatay ang isusulat ko.

Ikuwento ko kaya na isang iresponsable, dating adik, lasenggero at babaero si Papa? Isang walang kwentang tao at walang nagawang maganda sa pamilya? Sabihin ko kayang wala kaming family picture kahit isa? Na dumaan ang maraming taon na wala kaming tatay dahil sa isang babae? O kaya magpanggap na lang na wala akong tatay?

Kuwento ko kaya kung paano nagpabaya si Papa sa pagbibigay ng pangangailangan namin. Na 'pag bumalik siya, pagkatapos ng ilang linggo, wala nanaman akong tatay. Na nakapag-aral kami kahit wala siya. Na hindi niya alam kung kanino ba ang tatlong araw ng kapanganakan na alam niya at ilan ang eksaktong edad naming magkakapatid. Na kahit tatay namin siya ay hindi namin lubos na kilala ang isa't isa. Siguro isang malalim na buntong hiningang "Haaaaaay!" ang ibibigay sa akin ng mga kaklase ko.

Kuwento ko kaya na wala akong alam kung pa'no magmahal ang isang tatay. Na may mga gabing iniisip ko kung kamusta na kaya siya. Kung okay lang ba siya o hindi. Na may mga gabing natutulog ako ng umiiyak at ipinaghehele ng malamig na hangin sa gabi.

Pakita ko kaya ang mga litrato ni Papa na lasing siya habang ikinakasal sila ni Mama. O di kaya'y dalhin ko ang picture niya habang nag-iinom siya. Ikwento ko din kaya na naging mabilis ang lahat ng mga pangyayari. Na umalis siya at ngayo'y malalaki na kami. Na nakakaya namin kahit wala siya.

Gayahin ko kaya ang kuwento sa telebisyon na tipong galit na galit sa mundo ang anak dahil lumaki itong walang tatay.-- Teka, hindi ako gano'n!

Ikuwento ko na lang kaya ang isa sa mga magagandang alaala ko kay Tatay. Limang taon ako noon. Malinaw na malinaw pa sa alaala ko ang pangyayari. Nagkaroon ng simpleng party sa bahay. Kainuman niya ang mga kumpare niya nang tumayo siya at kinuha ako mula sa kuna ko. Inutusan niya ako na ikuha siya ng beer sa refrigerator. Pagkakuha ko ng beer ay kinandong niya ako at buong pagmamalaki na ibinida sa mga kumpare niya na ako daw ang nag-iisang junior niya. Kamukha ko daw siya at may dimple sa kaliwang pisngi. Buong pagmamalaki rin niyang ibinida na natanggap na raw ako sa lokal na Day Care Center dahil abot na ng kanang kamay ko ang aking kaliwang tenga kahit idaan pa sa ibabaw ng ulo ko, matatas na ako magsalita at madali raw akong matuto. Matagal din akong nanatili sa pagkakandong niya. Mistulan siyang bagong dating na hari na suot-suot ang kanyang korona. Ako ang kanyang korona.

Kapag naaalala ko ito, napapawi ang lahat ng panghihinayang ko sa mga taong wala siya at lumalaki kaming walang ama. Mga panahong kasama ng mga tatay nila ang mga anak nila. Ito na lang ang isusulat ko. Bago ang lahat, pupunasahan ko muna ang mga luha ko at ang patulo ko ng sipon. Baka mapatakan pa ang keyboard ng computer at ang hawak kong picture. Picture ng isang paslit na may hawak na bote ng beer habang kandong ng tatay na kitang-kita ang kasiyahan sa mukha.

Kahit gano'n ang Papa, naiintindihan ko siya.

Siguro, kaya nangyayaring isinasantabi tayo kasi may dahilan kung bakit. Siguro, para malaman natin ang mga dapat nating malaman, para maintindihan natin ang mga kailangan nating maintindihan, para magkaro'n ng direksyon ang ating mga buhay at para mas gumanda ang mga natitira nitong araw...

Siguro, may mga pagkakataong kailangan tayong mag-isa kasi kagustuhan NIYA. Siguro, para matuto tayong mag-isa, para matuto tayong magsikap, para matuto tayong lumaban sa buhay, para matuto tayong magtiwala sa ating mga sarili na kaya natin at para matutuhan nating makaya sakaling may kailangan ulit mawala...

Naiintindihan ko na walang tao ang may karapatang kasuklaman ka dahil sa iyong mga desisyon, dahil hindi nila alam kung gano ka kasaya na naisakatuparan ito.

Kahit wala sya ngayon sa aming piling, tatay ko siya, utang ko ang buhay ko sa kanya. At kahit anong sama ng nagawa niya sa amin, mahal ko siya. At kahit pagbali-baligtarin ko man ang mundo, siya pa rin ang tatay ko.

CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE HOUSEMATE

I realized that every time I look back, the images conjuring in my kaleidoscope are my March to October`08th memories. I'm not saying this was the joyous time I had; in fact, it's the phase in my life I hated the most.

As far back as I can remember, I was surrounded by a bunch of jerks, backstabbers, spoiled brats, childish, and demented individuals -- that includes a maid as well. Welcome is such a sweet word on a "welcome back to school" scenario, but I don't understand why I seemed to never feel any.

If I remember well, my first day being on the house I’m designed to live in was good. Apart from being treated nearly as an outcast, I had to cope up with my so-called 'relatives'. They were never totally at least friends; they've changed from the day they turned gold. They think they're cool thus they do have lots of stuff. But what got me saddened were the cliques.

There were so many groups in my life that I longways been associating with. Most of them was my kind of people to belong to and I'm honestly known for my camaraderie. I'm not even gonna mention the place I was on; it was just by far the sorriest home the neighborhood-- or probably the whole planet ever had. It got worse as I learned from frequent visits to my thinking chair that their house has the lowest grade point average in 'Family Management 101'. And how can I beg to differ? The people in the house barely looked at their life. A clean and beautiful house, numerous vehicles, other people's opinion, money were their priority.

As time passes, my stay gets doomed. People, whom I thought were befriending me, turned to be my enemies. I got bullied, harassed, and insulted by almost the entire people of the house. Worst was when even the kids were influenced to do so. Gosh, I can't believe I even got into fights with that bitchy maid earlier in the school year. SHE HAS A BIG MOUTH. SHE TALKS TOO MUCH FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T REALLY DO OR SAY ANYTHING.

First was about the malfunctioning of rice cooker. She called me and asked me why it wasn't working. I told her there might be burnt rice grains below its press-oriented base where the heat must come from. She turned hysterical, told me that I should have removed it because I already saw it. Eventually, she blamed me because it's not working anymore. She blamed me in front of-- for God's sake, the dining table for eating uncooked rice.

Next was about the sending of kids to their "walking distance" school. She wanted me to go home and do it because I have a 6-hour break, knowing that I consume an hour-and-a-half traveling back home, so it would take about 3 hours going back and forth plus the unpredictable heavy traffic and the amount of stress traveling has. She doesn't like to do it because no fare will be given and the one who will do it will suffer walking under the raging heat of the noon sun sharing the two kids with just an umbrella.

A day after the schooling when I got home, unintended to have privately bid my arrival to some of the important housemates when I heard her voice saying aloud from the kitchen while washing the dishes, "Ang tagal dumating ni michael ah! mukhang may pinuntahan pa ata!", and laughs provokingly like saying that I've been somewhere and/or doing something beyond school concerns. I know she was embarrassed when someone said I was already there...

There also came the time that my niece told me not to talk to her so that they won't talk back 'cos the maid told them to do so, simply because I'm bad.

Another was when we have nothing for breakfast, so I asked her if there's something we could eat for the mean time. She referred me to a bag of Ensaymada on the kitchen top. Later on, I was called by the owner being asked who ate them and who told me to do so. Little did we know that it was baked and given by a long lost friend, so it must be so meaningful to the owner. I said that I ate one of those and the maid told me to. After that, she was also called for the same reason. She said she wasn't the one who told me. We overheard the owner saying "'pag may nakalapag kasi dito, ipaalam muna kung pwede kainin! Masarap ba!?". The maid got angry with me because she was feeling so guilty. She talked to me privately and blamed me because I said the truth.

Another night as I arrived from school, I ran to the comfort room to do my private necessity. Right after I go out and about to change clothes, she immediately rushed inside the comfort room, tested the toilet flush and called me.

-- It was working so what's the problem, I thought.--

She then opened the part where the toilet flush mechanics are inside showing me that the tab that should pull the flapper and let the water pass through-- was supposed to be a chain of metal, was broken and changed into a nylon string. She asked and blamed me why it is broken and different when she has cleaned it earlier right before I use it.

-- It made me laugh in my mind thinking if she has really included cleaning that rarely cleaned part or perhaps she has an X-ray vision to see it. As I see the nylon string, it has already discolored and has moss on it, indicating that it was long being there like that.--

I said, I know nothing about it so I called someone in the house who I thought would surely know why. We were told that it's really broken that's why it was repaired changing it to nylon string.

The last time I remember was another morning incident. Again there was nothing to eat for the morning, as usual I am supposed to ask her what to eat so I did. I remember her while saying these lines:

"Simula ngayon 'wag mo na akong kakausapin. Kahit kailan. Gagawin ko ang dapat kong gawin at gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin. Suko na ako sa'yo! Wala akong pakialam sa'yo!".

I agreed because I think it will be better that way but for that moment I wanted her to tell me what we will be eating, so I asked her and her reply was a yell saying:

"Maghanap ka jan ng pwede mong kainin! Wala akong pakialam sa'yo! Ang kapal ng mukha mo!"

as calm as ever, I asked her..

"Ano ate? pakiulit nga?" and she replied,

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo!

Hearing those words again with that kind of tone made me feel that my whole personality got crushed and everything that she has done was enough to hold my temper. So I began to tremble and got out of my self-control. She got into my last nerve so I replied back-- still calm 'cos I can't dare yelling back because I know that eventually, as ever, I will be the one who'll turn out to be wrong.

"Bakit Ate? Anong kinakapal ng mukha ko? Bakit Inaano ba kita? Tinatanong lang kita tapos naninigaw ka ng ganyan?"

A newly woke up guest housemate overheard our conversation, asked what's going on and tried to stop us. The maid lied about the whole story.

"Kasi po si Michael hindi ako nirerespeto, sinigawan ako..." -- with a sweet, sorry voice.

"Ayan Ate, lagi na lang ganyan. Iba nanaman ang k'wento mo. Ikaw nanaman ang pinalalabas mong nakakaawa at api samantalang ikaw talaga ang nanigaw kanina... Ayan, tutal magkakaharap na tayo, ayoko sanang sabihin dahil kung maaari tahimik lang ako at ayokong manira ng matagal ng samahan, pero sasabihin ko na lahat ng hindi nila nalalaman."

"Bakit? Ano yun michael, sabihin mo nga?-- worried.

I did not say that she's just lying on the bed inside her room texting while the kids are outside playing alone with no one but themselves, how she treats my niece when she has no appetite to eat, her talkshits about each of the people living in the house when they're not around and the verbal abuse she's doing to both of the children.-- my nature still reigns.

"Nako Ate, 'wag na lang dahil hindi ko talaga ugaling manira ng tao gaya ng ginagawa mo. At sana wag mo akong sisigawan dahil wala kang karapatan. Yung nagpapakain sa akin at nagpapaaral nga hindi ako sinisigawan eh, tapos ikaw sisigawan mo ako ng ganun-ganon lang? sino ka? KATULONG KA LANG! UTUSAN! KATULONG KA LANG DITO, TANDAAN MO YAN! at wag mong iisiping minamaliit kita dahil katulong ka, dahil KUNG GUSTO MONG RESPETUHIN KA NG TAO, MATUTO KA RING RUMESPETO."

I never thought those words will come out of my mouth. but anyway, they were said. I thought everything was over because, as ever, it's the maid they are going to favor side of. My life, dreams and future was ruined.

I came in to my room and packed my things so I could immediately leave and start a new life. Come what may. The concerned housemate asked me to stay making me realize all the consequences if I leave. No one but that old woman truly understands me.

While packing my things she had the idea to also pack her things so maybe, even for the last time she will make all the people believe she was the one assaulted.

"Ayan, Ate! Tandaan mo bawat ginawa mo sa akin ah! May anak ka rin, babalikan ka lahat ng ginagawa mo sa kapwa mo, TEN FOLDS!"

"Oo michael, alam ko! 'wag ka mag-alala makakapag-aral mga anak ko!"-- grabe sa tigas ng ngongo no!?

I bid goodbye and gratitude for the people I should. Obviously, one didn't care, while the other held me back and told me to think twice. I will stay otherwise he won't send me to school. I don't know why I need to stay in that house in order to study... He gave me until the end of that week to decide.

I don't know why that maid did those terrible things to me. I can still remember the two of us as friends, talking and laughing together. She was I think feeling unfair about the distribution of house chores knowing that she is the maid and I am obviously not. She wanted me to be responsible of everything that goes wrong inside the house. She acted like she had everything in me held barred. What's worse is when she acted like one of us relatives.

I decided to stay thinking things would get better, but it didn't. I did say all of what's happening to the people whom I thought could at least lessen and/or better yet fix the problem, but I failed getting any help from them. They said they can't take my side because it's hard to find a maid someone like her. I never had the chance to be considered and understood. Frankly, everything got worse on my side.

I didn't want to fight because it's me and my family's future at stake, but people force me to; they think it's funny and wonderful... I was helpless... There are times I can't barely think what to do. I always feel terrified... I shiver of being alone in the fight... How I hated every tick of the clock and people in that level. So restless, so rude, so inconsiderate, and so dastardly annoying.

I hoped for things to get better as the semester drew closer and closer to the end. But who was I kidding? The people were indifferent no matter what the circumstance. From time to time, I tried to make friends, but I was treated like no one but a slave-- yes, even they keep on telling me it isn't that way, it is. and how idiotic of me. It's not just my housemates but the maid herself as well.

Before the first semester end, I was destined to be force evicted from the house. They did helped me again to pay my second semester matriculation. I stayed on a dormitory because I wasn't able to transfer right away. The semestral break wasn't enough time to transfer school.

Now, I can't go to school because my only contact through the person that sends me to school has also got out of their own house because of some issues with his mother. He said, he heard her mother leaving the country. He told me to try talking to their maid about my enrollment this semester, but she didn't reply. and that's how it ended.-- or maybe, another standing ovation show.

---- If you are going to ask me how I feel (even though it's been already a year since that time), I still feel the same. As of now, no matter what apologies or forgiveness they ask me, even if I know they never will, my answer is the same: SCREW YOURSELVES! I'm no different from the way I felt a year ago; I still hate you people for causing that part of my life's misery. If I had a gun, I would hunt each and every one of you down. If I had a nuclear bomb, I would launch it no matter where you are. I'll do anything to have you tortured and mutilated and-- eventually killed.

I'm not even gonna start another rambling on the people of that time. I just wish I had a machine gun right now because I badly want to pulverize their bodies. Especially their stupid mother-fucking fucked fucking dumb-ass maid, AILEEN GABILLETE LLANO! That goes with the rest of her gang as well.

And please, don't you guys dare tell me another time to STOP TRIPPING OVER MY MISCONCEPTION THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL WHEN IT'S ME AND ONLY ME WAS THE OUTCAST, THAT 1 OUT OF A HUNDRED WAS CHUCKED OUT and I'm the one who's got the problem-- as what are always on your minds, because you and the rest of your gang connived to make me what I am now. -- yes, undone but that's what the story tells about.

AILEEN GABILLETE LLANO, YOU SUCK BIG TIME!!! I DON’T BLAME YOU FOR MY SORRY LATTER-SCHOOL LIFE and I know that no amount of hate-blogging will ever change that. I just feel like I need doing this to retain my sanity... like any other human being. I'm not closing my doors in forgiving you for all the things you've done to me because I know that if a person forgive, he sets a prisoner free... and that prisoner is no other but his self.

I hope you are happy of who you are and what you have right now. Don't worry, I never even thought of actualizing my retaliate because I know it's wrong, it's not my nature and I know that God has his own plans for you. In fact, I would like to thank him for making you guys come into my life. It made me learn that in time we'll realize that we should learn to be true ONLY TO A FEW so that we won't end up being betrayed by someone whom we've trusted our future, even if it has to belong the people whom we never thought they would. I knew that there are people who's unworthy of mingling around with, that we just have to forget them, just like the way they ignored our efforts for their own agenda.

Now, I may never know how the next days would start and what will they bring. All I know is I just have to face them with hope that someday, still, I will turn out to be a person holding that collegiate diploma I ever wanted...

...and that's a confession in a life of a teenage housemate.

S.Y. 2008-2009 (2nd Sem) GRADES

Summer is about to end that I finally had my grades completed. My grades were delayed due to my Physical Education 2 grade that wasn't published by the site admins at its due time and because of that, the transfer credentials I requested were of course delayed too...

Again, it has never been easy. I got away from living-and-struggling-on-a-'war zone' blues I was talking about way back yet I'm still far from my loved ones... It's hard surviving the university pressures and beating all the odds knowing that you're all alone...

After all, it was a wonderful semester! New experiences and great learnings! And again, a new me (well what's new about me being always new?, lol!) and a better me. Another beginning of great and wonderful experiences ahead.

I'll be transferring to a new school. Why? I'm back for good! And I'm lovin' it!

Anyway, thank God I finally have 'em all, and here they are! Yebba'!

Enjoy the rest of summer!!! ^__^

PARTY HARD. STUDY HARDER.

M.U.

Kapag sumidhi ang nararamdaman mo para sa isang tao, laging isang matalinong hakbang ang huminto sandali at bigyan ang puso ng oras na makahinga. Oras upang gamitin ang isip para timbangin ang sitwasyon base sa dahilan, hindi sa nararamdaman. Dahil ang pinakamalungkot na pwedeng mangyari ay kapag nahulog na ang loob ng isang tao habang ang isa ay wala ng ibang pang gusto kun'di pagkakaibigan... Ang pag-ibig ay mahika, ngunit ang mahika ay maaring isa lang ilusyon...

'Wag kang masyadong maghagap kung wala kayong pananagutan sa isa't isa... Pwede ka magtampo pero 'di ka pwedeng magalit. Pwedeng makipag-date sa iba pero 'wag nang ipaalam... Pwede mo siyang lambingin, pwedeng yakapin, at 'pag nalaman mong hanggang doon na lang, pwede kang umiyak... pwede kang masaktan... pero hindi mo s'ya pwedeng sumbatan... dahil wala kang karapatan... Dahil ang M.U. ay isang 'M'alabong 'U'sapan...

Minsan, parang ang hirap maisip kung bakit at paanong gano'n kabilis pwedeng mangyari ang lahat ng bagay... Kung paano pumapasok ang isang tao sa mundo natin at bigla na lang nawawala. Parang ang hirap intindihin na sadyang may mga tao sa buhay natin na hindi talaga nakatakdang magtagal...

Minsan tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung bakit may nakikila, nakakasundo, nagiging malapit at napapamahal sa atin ang bigla na lang napapalayo at nawawala... Simple lang pala ang sagot. Minsan hindi rin naman talaga sinasadya ng isang tao ang masaktan tayo. Hindi rin nila ginustong umalis at maiwan tayo... Minsan kailangan rin nating tanggapin na lahat ng nangyayari ay may dahilan... Ganun lang naman talaga, 'yun kasi ang nakatadhana. Lahat tayo mararanasang mawala at mawalan, kanya-kanyang panahon lang...

Darating ang araw, makakalimutan natin ang sakit, ang dahilan kung bakit tayo umiyak at sino ang nanakit sa atin... Sa huli, malalaman natin na ang sikreto ng pagiging malaya ay wala sa pagganti kun'di nasa pagpapaubaya sa lahat ng bagay na maganap sa sarili nilang oras at paraan... Pagkatapos ng lahat, ang importante ay hindi 'yung una, kung 'di 'yong huling kabanata sa buhay natin na nagpapakita kung paano at gaano tayo kagaling nakipaglaban...

GO ON...

In this life, we meet a lot of people along the way. There are times in your life's journey that you will meet someone from somewhere with something to share and not all strangers should be bewared of. For some strangers may come with the answers to your life's questions...

As these people gets into the photograph of our lives, they either become our friends or better worst become our rivals. And if this person becomes our very best friends, we can't expect them to give us the love and friendship that we need in return. We just have to love them with all our might, unselfishly that is, without expecting anything in return. We have to be ready to get hurt since it's one of the wrap up of love for somebody. We cry and spill our heart over them, we build dreams with these people thinking they'd be with us forever only to wake up to reality that nothing's permanent in this world... Love comes and goes, people come, stay and leave...

Life is a continuous succession of finding and losing; of making and breaking; of dying and of living again... It hurts oftentimes to face different misfortunes but there's nothing much we can do about it for nobody is exempted from pain... Give it up or just let go... It doesn't matter if one hurts more than the other, just do it. No looking back. No hesitations. No more second thoughts. Go ahead and believe that in time, you'd forget... Don't trace your source of pain in your past, because if you do, you'd never ever get back on your feet and move on...

TEACUP

The last time I was with my parents, I was four going five. Four years, a month and three days, almost at least as old as a kid. They said they were going on a series of tour and they were leaving me for the first time because they didn't want me miss any more school.

When they came to me and said goodbye, I wouldn't open the door, so they left. I fell a very long sleep. The next thing I knew... I found myself up in the middle of the night already knowing and telling myself that they were gone...

By those times, I thought a person is lucky when he's mad. When you are mad, you don't miss people. And if you stay mad, it's like you never knew them at all... That way you don't have to feel sucky about it. and I thought I was...

Oh, I wasn't mad, I was confused... Everyone was talking to me, talking and talking and I couldn't understand a word they were saying. Then their voices became a blur... and soon I couldn't even recognize their faces... They were like these blobs... and then they started to grow fangs and their eyes became green, and I knew I have to run away. So I packed my knapsack, got the train, looked up at the map, and decided that I wanted to live in Coney Island...

I thought it was going to be a real island... And I could hide away there like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn... To my surprise, the teacups was the only ride they'd let me on by myself. So I got on it and started spinning myself round and round and round... and I feel like I'm still there spinning round and round and round... and the ride won't stop and I won't dare to get off...

I think they're right, I am scared. and I also think you are, or probably you were... You're scared as I am. and I thought maybe... I thought maybe if we... could go together...

And to think back, it was the longest sleep I've had my whole life, only to find out that they were never gone. That somehow, in some ways, I was the one who's gone...

Life is like having a cup of tea. You sit by the window, lift the cup and take a sip, only to realize that somebody forgot to put sugar. Too lazy to go for it, you still struggle through that sugarless cup 'til you discover undissolved crystals at the bottom... That's how life is, we sometimes forget to make an effort to value what's around us... Look around, maybe the sweetness you are looking for is closer than you think. Have your tea, stir it well and make it sweet... and I hope it's not yet late... my good, It ain't yet...

RONA RAMIREZ

I met her at the time that I really needed someone to help me overcome the pain I was feeling... She stood by me all along... then after all that happened, I suddenly thought: "She helped me forget my sad story, and yet she started another one..."

Days passed so fast, happy days I wish could never end... If there's one thing I will never forget, that would be in God's perfect time, we've met and became very friends...

I feel so blessed, thankful and honored that I met her... yet, it's of destiny that we should part...

How I wish she's here beside me every time I feel down as she always do... I miss her so much and I can't seem to say any other word...

I sometimes find it hard to believe... How fast it can all happen. How a person can come into your world and just flip it around in a good way... It's kind of miracle that there are people out there who by just being a part of your life make it better...

I know that goodbyes will always hurt, pictures can never replace having been with her, memories good or bad will bring me tears, and words can never replace those feelings I felt... when she were here right beside me...

Thank you so much for everything Ate Rona! I'll see you around!...